Right, so I was taking a five-minute breather from an absolute nightmare of a CSS bug this afternoon, flat white in hand, when I noticed Gerard Joling trending all over the place here.

Being a completely clueless Brit, my immediate thought was: "Oh, maybe an old Dutch striker from the 90s? An author?"

Not even close.

I ended up falling down a twenty-minute YouTube rabbit hole, and honestly, my mind is slightly blown. The sheer amount of sequins, the blinding teeth, the dramatic high notes... it’s like someone distilled the spirit of every Eurovision final since 1985 into one single human being and turned the contrast up to max.

Sitting here in my draughty Brighton flat while it drizzles outside, usually listening to painfully sombre shoegaze vinyl, watching this bloke perform was like staring directly into a glitter cannon. It’s loud, it’s camp, and it’s completely unapologetic. Not bad, not bad at all. You really have to respect that level of commitment to pure entertainment.

I gather he’s basically an absolute household fixture over in the Netherlands and a massive nostalgia hit for a lot of you lot.

So come on, Dutchies, educate me properly. What’s the definitive track I need to stick in my headphones on the cycle to work tomorrow? Give me your best recommendations.